Monday, October 01, 2007

Dichotomy and Anniversary

So I have been thinking alot about what it means to live in Panama. I feel this dichotomy has taken over my life. I am not really American anymore, but I am not Panamanian by any chance. There is not that wow I really have come into myself here feeling, nor am I overrun by some maddening nostaglia, driving me back to everything that is "my" culture. Everything seems to have this "everything and nothing" Catch 22-ness to it. I guess this is what we talked about in my culture shock classes. The feeling that "I am but a stranger here" will probably be the maxim for the rest of my experiences abroad. And yet, this feeling didn't go away on my last trip to the states, nor do I think I want it to go away when I eventually return. Friends told me I spoke like a Mexican, "or definatly at least with a Latin accent" and I was shocked at the looks of complete and utter bewilderment when I paid for a $25 bill at a restuarant completly in cash. As Tolkein said, some wounds (I prefer the word change here) are too deep, and we must go about learning how to tie the strings of two different lives together.

But, that is what life is about. Dichotomy.

I also realized that it is a very important time for me. There are few seasonal changes in Panama that are used to mark the seasons, so time just seems to continue without any kind of change. Some of the few changes that remind me of my approximate location in the "seasonal" calendar are as follows:
1. Fast food restaurants start putting out "fish sandwiches" in the weeks leading up to lent, and menus at restaurants Friday nights only offer fish and seafood specials (since most Catholics here don't eat meat on Fridays in Lent.)
2. Christmas decorations come out notoriously early here. ie. Its the first of OCtober and I already have shopped for my Christmas decoration. So while this might remind me that its beginning to feel alot like Christmas, I have adjusted my clock to have the arrival of Christmas decoration remind me that I need to get ready for Labor day.
3. The floor needs to be swept every five minutes. In February and March, farmers all over the country burn off all the growth from last year, and since they do it in the middle of the breezy dry season (for obvious reasons), it means that soot and ash are blown all over the city, and if you leave your windows open and unattended, your living room will soon be filled with little pieces of burnt corn husks and leaves. This occurrence always reminds me of what would be the beginning of spring in the United States.
4. Pompus grass turns white as it grows. And as the hills around the city are covered with it, it is about the only image that comes remotely close to looking like snow. This always happens the last weeks of September and the first weeks of October, and it reminds me of when I first come to Panama.

And that brings me to the point of this entry. While I am sure you appreciate the discourse on Panamanian culture, I am writing for other reasons. Yesterday as I drove through the fields, I saw the pompus grass and realized that at this time today, exactly two years ago, I was waking up in a new country for the first time. So, that means that today is the first day of my THIRD year in Panama. Wow. I have learned so much, and have changed so much, even though, as I have said, there is not much distinction of time and change here in Panama. That dichotomous feeling is how I have changed, as as with any big change, there is also that ambiguity of is this who I am, or is what I am doing right. That is maturity for me, and those of you who know me would say the same, since living with dichotomy and any kind of ambiguity was never really my strong suite. I miss you all and thank you for your continiuos emails and thoughts and prayers and ask for you to join me today in the happiness that I feel for accomplishing the feat of living in a foreign country for two full years.

Friday, May 04, 2007

And he lives!

Hey. After months of bloggin lackage...I am back by popular demand. Things have been so busy here in Panama that I hardly know where to begin. First, let me tell you there are sme big changes in my life.

First, visa status. Well, in the hope of self preservation, I wont publish any actual REAL information here, but hey. Things are going GREAT with the VISA. I was so APPROVED for my WORK VISA and my RESIDENCY has come up WITHOUT A HITCH ;) No, things have been rough and the whole visa process really forced me to think about a maybe not so optional trip back to the states. I was planning to leave my current job at Berlitz on May 15th, and well I resigned myself to looking for and even sending resumes to places of possible employment in the States.

But then lightning strikes and God drops the solution in my lap. I was offered a job at a company that, let me tell you, I couldnt really pass up. Just the timing alone of the way it all worked out made me seriously consider the offer, and when he told me what I would be doing, well, I was sold.

He had me at one word: TRAVEL!

I will be working for a company as a customer service representative, working to reruit and bring in new international customers, as well as helping them through the process they hardly wont understand, namly since they wont speak Spanish. I was told of traveling to the United States and Europe, and when I asked how often I would be traveling, well the CEO (who is the one created this job speficially for me!) told me (and I quote) "As much as you want."

So they really needed to pull my leg on that one! And here is the kicker. They gave me the starting date that I wanted, so I will have time to make a trip back to the States to visit family and friends and go to a friend's wedding! I am so excited!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, thats a quick update for now. I guess I have to easy back into this blogger thing!

keep moving...

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

From Costa Rica

Well, things have sure changed. Even the blogger wedbiste has updated, while I have been off in the abyss of non bloggage.

I am now in Costa Rica for training for my job with Berlitz. I am enjoying it, and really have nothing to write. Just thought it was time to put something up here. Pictures of Costa Rica to follow!

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Start of the Holiday Season

Well, without even knowing it, Christmas season is already here. Tommorow, for those of you in the states, all the Christmas decorations will be out after the obligatory Halloween sales, but such barier does not exist in Panama. Since the Christmas items have been up for grabs since September, I guess I become desensitized to the approaching holidays. It wasnt until Saturday when I went to the mall and they were putting up their Christmas Tree. And was after I had gone ice skating at the new ice rink. Yes. There is ice in Panama.

And all this conincides with the National Holidays that seem to take over the month of November. This weekend we have a five day weekend for Independence Day. We are going to Chriquí to get away from the city and just relax. Pictures on that to come. Then its back to work, then another long weekend, then one full week of work (the only in November) and then another long weekend. It is going to be great, getting a break from work since it is what I have been doing since July! YEAH! More updates on the Panamanian holiday season to come.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Sunday, Vote; Monday, Civil War

At least thats what they are saying on the radio. Although, the was has been going for sometime now. It´s only intensified the last two weeks. As Panamanaians approach one of the biggest decionsions of their lifetimes, the campaign is getting stronger on both sides.

Panama has many resources, but the most famous is the Canal. El Canal es Tuyo (the canal is yours) is a famous saying here in Panama ever since the canal was returned to Panamanain power in 2000. And since it is tuyo (yours), obviously the whole country takes pride in THEIR Canal.

The goverment also takes pride in the canal, and there are many laws protecting it, pormoting it and making sure that the canal remains neutral, that the profits are used for the benefit of Panama, and that the canal is the pride of all Panamanians.

So, what happens when the world grows up, and the bridge between the worlds needs to grow up with it? Thats whats happening right now.

Tommorow, Panamanians will head out to the polls to vote whether or not the canal should be expanded. Both sides of the campagian have been plowing the streets, promising everything from ecological destruction and economic bankrupcy to international investments and better lives. And all this action is playing out in the capital, the place I call home. And since the canal belongs to the people, beleive me, the people are going to speak, and have been speaking about this issue.

Some say we need to punish the government or not being transparent enough and to vote no. Other rebuke with "How many jobs does a no produce?" Still the battle rages, "Why should we give a blank check to the government?" To Finally, "Every good Panamanian should vote yes for the good of the country.

Everyone knows that the "Sí" is going to win. Most people express that confidently, but there still remains some doubts. If the no wins, what happens? Civil War? I doubt it. But just to keep it safe the government makes laws that no one can drink, buy or sell alcohol withing the sensative hours of the vote...to try to keep it as calm as possible. So, last night was the election party, as the whole city went to bars to get their weekneds fill of alcohol, trying to numb thier minds to ever present battle between the sí and the no.

To grow or not to grow, sí or no, that is the question many Panamanians will answer tommorow. And I get to watch it all play out in front of me.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/6070066.stm

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Silence

So something happened last night that happens every once in a while. In fact, it happens so unfrequently that I feel compelled to write about it.

Last night, I was tired. This week, I had worked for 56 hours. That may not seem to be a lot, but in the laid back culture of Panama, and after the laxidelic environement at the mission where I probably only worked ten hours a week, 56 hours is a big wake up call for me. Anyways, I was tired.

Laid Down in bed and listened to my cieling fan. Trying to sleep, listening to the white noise of my fan and my neighbors airconditioning usually helps me fall asleep over the wall of sound that is the night club that just happens to be in the building right behind mine. Not to mention the never ending traffic and its inseccent honking on Avenida Cinqentenario (probably the fifth most important street in the city) and its unheeding intersection with Calle 50 (probably the third most important street in the city). I am actually proud of the noises I have trained my self to sleep through.

Well last night...the music in the night club slowly dies down. Thinking I had a black out moment and it was no four in the morning when the club closes, I check my clock. No...its only 12 midnight. And there is no traffic. No horns. No brakes skidding, no underage children hanging out the bus door yelling where the passing bus in going. Nothing.

In that instant, I was wide awake. This was only the second time in my whole time in the city where there was absolute silence. The walls in my room grew big, like it was the first time I noticed them, and the room seemed alot larger than I remembered. Its as if all that fleeting noise has actually taken up space in my room, and no longer there to disturb me, I simply strecthed out my legs and yawned. I counted the minutes that this pheonomeon would last. One Minute. Three minutes. What was going on in the world that for this three minutes, everyone in my little barriada was quite. And what was everyone else thinking in the moment. Did they continue with their lives, or did the notice the silence too?

Sometimes, I am cuaght off gaurd by these little happenings. The simple silence reminded me of, first of the things that were missing. I couldnt help to feel relaxed, but yet, wide awake, like the silence was the brink of something new that would break upon the face of the earth, and life would be normal again. What is is about silence that leads us to this dicatomy of wanting forever to live in its serenity but not trusting or wanting ourselves to be swept up into it forever, counting every minute we spend while the unspoken suddenly become the first things we find our selves trying to say.

Well, enough rambling. Maybe I am just tired and need some more sleep!


Slowly the cars began to pass, the music came back on,

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

New life, new look

So my apartment is starting to feel more like a home. Since I am not woring 23 hours a day this week, I have been able to spend more time there. It also helps that I now have some essentials, like pots and pans and oh yeah gas for cooking. Beleive me, you can only get so creative with a crockpot, and after a while, you just want to eat instead of planning for the next meal of your life. And a word to the wise...hard-boiling an egg in a crock is just not very entertaining. Unless you are a fan of salmonilla.

I just need to add some of the touches...like piant in some thing other than monotonus white, and give some areas a really good scrubbing. Pictures to come soon...I just havn´t bought batteries for my camara.

Oh yeah, also still missing a bed. There was something cool, remisnicent of my childhoos camping trips about sleeping on an air matress, but now it is just getting old! I have a bed ready for deleivery in a couple days. I am so excited to no longer sleep on the same floor I am realizing needs alot of scrubbing...

Classes are good and I am keeping really busy. I am getting into the swing of working everyday...something that rarely happens at the mission. I am also having alot of time to do some reading, and I just finished My Antonía by Willa Cather...a book so beautiful that I actually, get this, missed Nebraska when I read it. Yeah thats scary.

One of the things in the book is that the Best days are the ones that die first..optima dies prima fuget (from Virgel)..the latin equivalent of "time flys when you are having fun", a phrase I have had to teach many times in my Berlitz Experience (we teach it in level 2, 3, and 6!), and one that I am learning about every day. While the latin phrase is more melancholy, and Cather's characters says about those best days that "I wish I could be a little boy again, and that my way could end there", I dont see it as so melancholy. This week marks a year that I have been in Panama. And I cant help to think that these days have each passed away quickly, leaving not much more than photos on my computers and hazy memories of places, peoples, and things that have changed my life. And I cant help but to think of all the other hazy memories I have from other best days. I am fortunate to have had a very blessed life, full of experiences, and full of blessings from God, who has been the provider of my best days. ANd I am not melancholy, wishing for some distant memorie of the past to be my reality, but look forward to more of the best days that are in store. Carpe Diem.

I have a new theme for my blog...

until later

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

A new dose of culture shock

So, I am an emotional wreck right now. I am up and down and up and down more than Paris Hilton's skirt. (By the way, what kind of crap is here new song! I heard that she has great musical gifts...of cousre she does, she can take singing lessons from whoever the hell she wants, she can finance her own freaking record label, not to mention her own crappy CD, so who the hell is going to stop that crap like that is recorded, reproduced and forced unwillingly into the ears of unpected listeners? Wheres the accountability here? Oh thats right, skanks like that only answer to money! What the hell is the musical world coming too when she makes it into the top Ten that isnt the top ten shitiest songs in the world. PS, this is no longer Chris the missionary talking, obviously).

Anyways, leaving the mission has been good, but I am realizing what Panamanian life is like. Dont take this wrong, I love it. Its just different. It's taking a little of adjustment. I am learning alot, and at the end of each day I am mentally worn out! I just get depressed and homesick for the American life that I had in Balboa, and then the next minute I am off the wall excited about my little Panamanian adventures. Its has been a great last weeks, I just feel like I am a women starting on the pill...dont mess with these emotions!

Anyways, life goes on! keep adjusting! Pictures to come soon!

Friday, September 08, 2006

The Other end of the spectrum

So, I have made it through my first week in Panama as a non-missionary! I am realyl excited. My job is great. But I am realizing all the things I took for granted, and am learning a new side of Panama. In some ways, I am understanding more about the lives of the people I worked side by side with in the church. In other ways, I am learning about a whole new part of the population I have never even had contact with in Panama.

Berlitz teaches mostly classes to businesses who need to learn English. And beleive you me, these course are not cheap. Its comes to something like $1.35 a minute to take a class. We have a center that serves as a adminstrative base as well as a teaching center, but most of the classes that I teach are outside of the center, in the conference rooms of said business. Put two and two together and it doesn't take long to figure out that these are multi-million dollar companies, and they usually only often pay for their top executives to take English classes. So, imagine the kind of people I have as my students. Imagine more, the type of people we have as students who are paying the classes out of their own pockets. We are talking rich. It is the complete opposite end of the spectrum, since my students in the church were taking adtvantage of the course we offered for $5.

For example, I teach in the National Brewrey, and my students there are the directors of logisitics and human resources. I teach a class to the middle-management for Sanofi Aventis, the pharmeceticaul company that makes Allegra. And one of my students in the international director for Sales for Nission in Latin America.

It has been interesting. While I have been entering penthouses and apartments in the most exclusive part of town, and learning my way around the corporate and banking districts of downtown, I feel in some way I am learning more about the lives of my former students-people who depended on buses, cram into said busses like sardines, and then walk twenty or thrity minutes to get where you actually need to go. I have learned so much about the city, and was surprised today when I was walking around to my busstop. I looked a house, that was rather dilapitated, and thought, if I were in the states, this would be a horrible part of town, and I would be gripping my wallet whiteknuckledly, staring down at the ground and just praying to get through. But this is Panama, and this is normal. This is actually a better area of the city. And I walk around this area feeling safe.

The simple life is something that I thought I lead. But as I left the mission, I realized how much simplier my life was going to get. I like that. For now, I am enjoying it, I am working really hard, and looking forward to living simply and saving some money for when I have to go back to the overpriced, materialistic attitude of the States.

keep learning...

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Once again...one month later

I am getting good at this whole staying out of touch thing! Things have been insanely busy here and I have been going and going. Heres a quick update!

July- Groups! We have four groups come through to help with English among other things. It was great to spend time with Americans and get to see how much they impacted the people they worked with and how much the Panamanians impacted them! The first group came and taught a drama set to musich to the youth in Balboa and in Loma Cova. The youth have already used the drama in some of the local schools as a way to evangalize. The rest of the groups came and taught English in six of the seven churches in Panama! The volunteers brought in alot of new students who continue coming to classes! What a great way to see how God moves through the work of the people in his Kingdom.

August - Coolest news first! I was so sick! And I mean, go to the hospital sick. I felt alright, it was just stress more than anything when I look at my arms in the middle of class and I look like read and orange colby-jack chesse. After some tests, the doctor said I was suffering from a "light" case of rubella. Thats right. R-U-B-E-L-L-A. The same rubella as "hey I thought I had a vaccine agisnt rubella" rubella. Anyways, he prescribed me a strong drug, and after two days of deep drug induced sleep, I was a fit as a fittle. But I survived! Yea! Point for my immune system. August also brought BIG changes for the mission. Two new couples arrived to start their missionary service here in Panama. Thomas and Jamie came to fill the Volunteer Coordinator position, and to work with youth! Arthur and Eva come to us as Vicar and Diaconess to work in their respective areas. And, I am finishing my time with mission. Thats right. It has not even seemed like a whole year has passed, but I am writing one of the last blog entries as a missionary (dont worry, o avid fans, the bloggage will continue) amsidt boxes of things I will take with me into a new part of life! My official last day is Friday, but I am finished with teaching, so its all just administrative junk like fill out evaluation, turn in my keys and move on!

A new part of life? Well, yes! I am excited to start the next phase of life! I have a job here in Panama City, where I will work in the Berlitz Language Center of Panama City. I will teach English there. I also was lucky enough to hit the jackpot on an apartment, fully furnished and with all appliances included. It is in a very "ritzy" part of the city called San Fransisco, and my land lady speaks perfect English! All this for very cheap! I am very excited to be able to continue here in Panama, in a new capacity. Everyone in the church is excited that I am staying, and trying to hook me up with a Panamanian, so that I will never have to leave Panama. I even got a number from a seceretary at one of the new business our compay teaches at. She is interested in meeting an American "friend"! Needless to say, she is like 50. We will see if Cupid shoots any area in this direction, but hopefully not at said secretary.

So, for know, that the update! I will write more about my last few experiences, but for now, thats all. Be on the look out for a new style to this page as it moves to be more about my personal life here in Panama. Pictures of my new life here in Panama will be sure to be there!

Oh, yeah...be on the look out for new Ablaze brochures. No other than yours truely graces the cover. I am truly the cover boy for Ablaze! Ha, whatever! I am going to eternally famous within the LCMS circles I hopefully wont be a part of much longer!

Well, more to come. Until then, keep plugging!