Dichotomy and Anniversary

So I have been thinking alot about what it means to live in Panama. I feel this dichotomy has taken over my life. I am not really American anymore, but I am not Panamanian by any chance. There is not that wow I really have come into myself here feeling, nor am I overrun by some maddening nostaglia, driving me back to everything that is "my" culture. Everything seems to have this "everything and nothing" Catch 22-ness to it. I guess this is what we talked about in my culture shock classes. The feeling that "I am but a stranger here" will probably be the maxim for the rest of my experiences abroad. And yet, this feeling didn't go away on my last trip to the states, nor do I think I want it to go away when I eventually return. Friends told me I spoke like a Mexican, "or definatly at least with a Latin accent" and I was shocked at the looks of complete and utter bewilderment when I paid for a $25 bill at a restuarant completly in cash. As Tolkein said, some wounds (I prefer the word change here) are too deep, and we must go about learning how to tie the strings of two different lives together.

But, that is what life is about. Dichotomy.

I also realized that it is a very important time for me. There are few seasonal changes in Panama that are used to mark the seasons, so time just seems to continue without any kind of change. Some of the few changes that remind me of my approximate location in the "seasonal" calendar are as follows:
1. Fast food restaurants start putting out "fish sandwiches" in the weeks leading up to lent, and menus at restaurants Friday nights only offer fish and seafood specials (since most Catholics here don't eat meat on Fridays in Lent.)
2. Christmas decorations come out notoriously early here. ie. Its the first of OCtober and I already have shopped for my Christmas decoration. So while this might remind me that its beginning to feel alot like Christmas, I have adjusted my clock to have the arrival of Christmas decoration remind me that I need to get ready for Labor day.
3. The floor needs to be swept every five minutes. In February and March, farmers all over the country burn off all the growth from last year, and since they do it in the middle of the breezy dry season (for obvious reasons), it means that soot and ash are blown all over the city, and if you leave your windows open and unattended, your living room will soon be filled with little pieces of burnt corn husks and leaves. This occurrence always reminds me of what would be the beginning of spring in the United States.
4. Pompus grass turns white as it grows. And as the hills around the city are covered with it, it is about the only image that comes remotely close to looking like snow. This always happens the last weeks of September and the first weeks of October, and it reminds me of when I first come to Panama.

And that brings me to the point of this entry. While I am sure you appreciate the discourse on Panamanian culture, I am writing for other reasons. Yesterday as I drove through the fields, I saw the pompus grass and realized that at this time today, exactly two years ago, I was waking up in a new country for the first time. So, that means that today is the first day of my THIRD year in Panama. Wow. I have learned so much, and have changed so much, even though, as I have said, there is not much distinction of time and change here in Panama. That dichotomous feeling is how I have changed, as as with any big change, there is also that ambiguity of is this who I am, or is what I am doing right. That is maturity for me, and those of you who know me would say the same, since living with dichotomy and any kind of ambiguity was never really my strong suite. I miss you all and thank you for your continiuos emails and thoughts and prayers and ask for you to join me today in the happiness that I feel for accomplishing the feat of living in a foreign country for two full years.